My heart returns
by HIddensoul1978
Summary: Yet another different take on what happened after the collapse of the Hellmouth. My view of how Buffy really felt and thought, how the Scoobies dealt with Buffy's feelings, and what happens when Buffy starts moving forward after. One of my first stories so please let me know what you think.


My Heart Returns...

"I knew the second I met you there was something about you that I needed. Turns out it wasn't something about you. It was you." ~Jamie McGuire

The warmth of the California sun shone down on what was left of Sunnydale and on the survivors of a battle that the rest of the world would never know about. But that was the way it was supposed to be. That was why they fought, why some survived and some didn't, why those who had would never tell. The rest of the world couldn't handle it. Buffy knew this as she gazed out over the crater that was once Sunnydale. She had a slight smile on her face because she had made it through the worst battle she had ever faced. She had beaten the worse enemy she had ever had. She had refused to think about anything other than that for the time being. She knew this wouldn't last and she wasn't ready to face the rest of it just yet. The others were only background noise for a few more precious moments. She knew once she started really listening to the rest of it the events of the day would come crashing down around her. She just wanted a few more minutes to only feel the bliss of a hard fought victory before the pain would try to crush her. She could already feel it slipping away.

It all started falling away when Buffy realized Dawn was standing beside her asking a question. Buffy turned her gaze away from the crater toward the rough looking group standing on the edge. She looked at her sister and her smile grew a little for a moment longer until she realized Dawn had tears silently falling down her cheeks. Buffy knew then that Dawn felt what she was, that they had won but at a terrible price. Willow and Xander were walking towards Buffy with the same expressions and Giles was watching from the back of the bus with tears in his eyes as well. As her sister and two best friends walked towards her, the smile slowly vanished from Buffy's face with each step they took. The closer they got, the more the pain started to become real. The closer they got the more Buffy realized what she had lost. The closer they got the faster the smile faded and the tears flowed. And as Willow, Xander, and Dawn reached her side, the thought of who she had left behind in that crater came crashing down. The weight of the pain brought Buffy to her knees. Her last thought as her knees connected with the ground, her friends rushing towards her, was..."He didn't believe me..."

Buffy let the tears flow freely, the sobs racking her entire body. She felt Dawn wrap her arms around her, murmuring what Dawn thought would comfort her sister. Willow was on her knees beside them, patting Buffy's back and checking for wounds. Xander was kneeling in front of Buffy trying to comfort her as well. The three of them had no idea why Buffy had collapsed. They assumed it was because she was injured. She had been but her slayer healing had already taken care of that. None of them knew yet that Buffy had fallen because of the pain of a broken heart. She was clutching Dawn tightly because she had been forced to leave the man she loved behind to die as Sunnydale fell in. And the most painful part was that he hadn't believed her. She had taken the long way around to finding out what a certain blond vampire had meant to her. She had denied it for forever. But she loved him and now he was gone. It felt like half her heart had been ripped away with him.

The sobs and cries of anguish coming from her were more than anyone could stand. Giles was the first to break the collective silence of the rest.

"Oh dear, is Buffy injured?" Giles asked, walking towards the huddled mass of 4 survivors.

"I don't know," Xander answered, "Wills?"

"Not that badly." Willow whispered as she was checking Buffy, "She has a wound on her back. But her Slayer healing is already kicking in."

"Then what's wrong with her?" Giles asked.

"I think I know," Dawn said timidly as she rocked her sister, like a small child. "She keeps whispering, ' Oh Spike, please believe me' over and over."

"Oh my" Giles stuttered.

"What does Deadboy have to..." Xander started to say when Buffy suddenly screamed and pushed Dawn away to sit up.

"No! Don't say that," Buffy cried "Don't call him that. He saved us. He saved all of us."

"Buffy, what do you mean?" Dawn asked.

"Spike saved us. The amulet killed all the uber-vamps and it took Spike with it."

"Oh my, are you certain?" Giles asked.

"Oh I'm certain," Buffy sobbed, "I'm certain he closed the hellmouth. I'm certain he burned up inside of it. And oh god..."

"What Buffy?" Dawn begged.

"I'm certain I told him that I loved him and he didn't believe me." Buffy said as the tears increased again.

"Oh sweetie..." Willow whispered.

"You what?" Xander and Giles exclaimed at the same time while Willow turned to glare at them.

"You loved him?" Dawn asked.

"Yes Dawnie, I love him. I refused it for so long but it's true. I love Spike with all my heart." Buffy whispered. Dawn put her hands on Buffy's shoulders and turned her sister to face her.

"Buffy, I know you did." Dawn paused to smile as Buffy raised her head to look in to Dawn's eyes, "Spike knew it too. He loved you very much"

"Buffy, I am sure he said that he didn't so you would leave and get back to Dawn, to the rest of us. I am sure he said that because he wanted you to live." Willow said as Dawn nodded in agreement.

"Do you think so?" Buffy asked

"Yes" Willow and Dawn said in unison.

"As much as I hate to admit this about him, Spike did love you and he would have done anything so you could make it back to Dawn." Xander grudgingly admitted.

"Quite right Xander, urm...he may have been the bad guy at one point. But with his soul and his actions of the past year, he was quite remarkable." Giles added.

Buffy listened to her friends, her family, watching their faces and knew they were all being sincere and she started to think. The time they had spent together at the abandoned house should have showed him. So many times in those final days, she had tried to show him that things were different between them. But she had thought that there would be time after the battle for her to finally admit her feelings, for making declarations. But it didn't happen that way. Spike was gone. She just hoped Dawn and her friends were right. She also knew that Spike wouldn't want her to fall apart and to keep fighting, to keep living, for the both of them. As she took a shuddering breath, she knew that she had to shove her pain aside and deal with the present. She knew she had to wipe her the tears away and be the leader everyone expected her to be. She knew she could do just that because the man she loved had told her she was the one, she was one hell of a woman. As buffy wiped her face and pulled herself to her feet, she went right back into leader/slayer mode.

"Guys, what is our status?" Buffy said in her "I'm the slayer, don't mess with me voice.

Giles spoke up first, "We have several injured. Some more so than others."

"We did lose a few of the potentials. Well, other slayers I mean now. And um…we lost…" Willow began, not wanting to admit out loud who else hadn't made it out. But Xander let her off the hook.

"Anya didn't make it" Xander whispered.

"Oh god, I am so sorry Xan." Buffy said, realizing now she wasn't the only one who had lost someone who meant so much.

"Yeah, she died saving someone else. She did good." Xander said, tears falling freely.

"Yes she did." Buffy said as she embraced him. She knew that there wasn't much that would make the hurt be any less. They stood with each other, sharing their pain for only a few moments before Giles broke the moment.

"Buffy, we need medical attention for the more seriously injured soon. We should head towards LA and quickly." Giles continued.

Just then Faith popped her head out of the door of the bus.

"Hey B, can we get this circus moving? Wood and a couple of the girls are in a bad way."

"Yeah, let's move" Buffy said, releasing Xander and stepping forward. "Let's head to LA. We can drop off the worst ones at the hospital there and maybe head to Angel's to put the rest of us up at the Hyperion. It's the best option we have right now."

As everyone climbed back on board the battered school bus, Buffy glanced one last time at the crater. As one single tear slid down her cheek, Buffy whispered, "Good bye Spike, I will always love you." With her final farewell blowing across the crater in the wind, she climbs on board with the others and they all head towards their futures.

Chapter 2

(Two Weeks Later)

It had been a long and overwhelming couple of weeks for the group currently occupying the old hotel in LA. They had made it to town with no further losses. Their first stop had been the hospital to drop Robin Wood and a couple of newly risen slayers, thanks to Willow and her magic on the scythe, who all needed more than basic first aid could provide. Faith wanted to stay with them and Buffy knew it was for Robin mostly, so she didn't argue. She knew that she would have wanted to stay with Spike if he had been there.

While the other had been getting the injured inside the emergency room and explaining the cover story to the doctors and nurses, Buffy made a call to Angel. He readily agreed to allow the exhausted group to use the hotel. He told Buffy that there would be food and supplies waiting on them. Buffy knew that everyone else, herself included, needed rest, food, and simply time to figure out their next move. So with a plan in place, she guided the rest of the group back to the bus and asked Giles to head out.

Once they arrived at the Hyperion, they had discovered that Angel was true to his word. There was food, supplies and everything the group could need. After the group ate, cleaned up, and dealt with wounds, they all found places to crash. There wasn't much activity after that for nearly three days. Everyone was exhausted both physically and emotionally, especially Buffy. The Scoobies were worried but knew that she just needed time. And on the third day, Buffy appeared, looking much better than and not as sad as she had been.

The group started to discuss options as to what their next move should be. No one wanted to make huge choices until the ones at the hospital had returned. That took another 3 days. Once they had, many places were discussed but finally everyone agreed on a plan. It was decided that Faith and Robin (who were quite obviously a couple now) plus a few Newbies (the now full-fledged Slayers that had been given a cute new Scooby-made title) would head to Cleveland to cover the hellmouth there. Buffy, Giles, Dawn, Xander and Willow with the rest of the Newbies would head to England to try to rebuild the council. And they would get to see what was left and set up a base of operations there. They knew they would need a place to gather all the newly activated slayers, train them, and be headquarters for the Slayer central.

Everyone was excited to have a plan and something to work on. Buffy was no different. She would much rather have the distraction. Getting ready for the trip across the ocean and moving forward would keep her mind off of what they had all lost, who e had lost. During their final days at the Hyperion, Angel had called telling Buffy he had something for her and would be by before she left. This worried Buffy but she knew she could handle whatever it may be. During her time in LA, she realized early on that she didn't trust Angel like she used to. Mainly because of his position at Evil Inc., Wolfram and hart. Buffy knew she would feel better once there was an ocean between them. And on their final day before the big move, Angel arrived just in time to catch Buffy alone at the hotel, making one last sweep since the others were already gone and headed to the airport. Buffy felt the tinglies as she was starting to reach for her bag. So she left it where it was and straightened.

"Hi Angel" Buffy said turning towards the doorway to the garden.

"Hey Buffy" Angel answered

"I was just about to leave. Thought you weren't coming, not liking good byes and all..."

"I came to bring you something. Didn't realize it was good bye as well."

"Yeah…well…it is Angel." Buffy said, realizing right then and there that it truly was for her. As she had told Angel when he came to Sunnydale just before the big battle, she had needed time for her cookies to finish baking. And even though only a few weeks had passed, she was done. She still loved Angel, the whole first love thing, but she wasn't in love with him anymore. She was in love with Spike. Whether he was gone or not, she saw Angel differently for the first time in years.

"Oh..." Angel whispered.

"I am sorry Angel. The whole cookies thing is kinda done. I figured it out during my time here." Buffy stated, arms crossing over her chest in her classic slayer pose, the one she knew Spike loved.

"Well, I guess I can guess that I am not what you need anymore."

"No…you aren't. Haven't been for a long time. Someone else has taken my heart but it isn't possible for us to be together now so I need time to find my heart again." Buffy said. She knew it was elusive but she didn't want to state right out to Angel who her heart belonged to. She didn't want to hear Angel bash Spike. If she to hear that then she would have a mess to clean up. And she just might dust him for it. She knew that Angel was just staring at her, waiting for her to say the name, but she wasn't about to. She wanted to walk away without a backwards glance but she remembered Angel wanting to give her something, so she just switched gears to get it over with.

"So Angel, what is it? What's the big urgency about meeting before I left?" Buffy asked bitterly, squatting down to finish filling her bag.

"Well, I have something you might want back. It was delivered to my office last week." Angel stated as he reached into his pocket.

Buffy couldn't imagine Angel getting anything she would want, but she stood and turned around anyhow. She glanced up at him just as he pulled his hand out, a chain linked through his fingers. Buffy recognized the chain almost immediately and felt her blood run cold and her heart speed up. She thought her heart might just beat its way out of her chest until the rest of the chain slipped between Angel's fingers. When her eyes locked on the amulet that swung freely, she knew in that minute her heart had almost certainly stopped. Oh god, she thought, it was the amulet that Spike had worn in the battle in the Hellmouth. The god-awful hunk of metal that had taken him away from her. She feel her whole body shaking.

"How? Why? Where did…" Buffy stammered, trying to find out all that she could from Angel.

It was delivered to me last week. I don't know how it got out of the wreckage of Sunnydale or why it was brought to me." Angel Said, "I wanted to destroy it but thought I should bring it to you first."

"Can I see it?" Buffy asked already reaching for it, desperate to get it away from Angel before he did destroy it. Angel let go of the amulet, letting it fall into her outstretched hand.

As she gingerly touched the amulet, it felt heavy and cold in her hand. It appeared harmless but she remembered the power that flowed through the rock and Spike. It was enough power to kill hundreds and hundreds of Turok-Han, to crumble the Hellmouth and Sunnydale into dust and rubble. It was also enough to burn Spike to ash and bury what was left off him under all of that. She just stared at it, tears forming in her eyes. When she finally remembered that Angel was still there, she took a deep breath and raised her head. As she locked eyes with Angel, a single tear rolled down her cheek and her first closed around the amulet. Angel simply nodded, knowing that Buffy wanted to keep it.

Buffy turned around and walked back over to her bag. She put it on her should and then turned back to Angel.

"I have to go. And thank you Angel." Buffy said in a strained whisper. Before Angel could reply, Buffy walked away, out of the Hyperion, away from her childhood love, and towards her future waiting on her at the airport.

Chapter 3

Once the whole gang reached England, the whole world seemed to speed up. Upon their arrival, Giles had them all bused out to a village on the outskirts of London called (xxxx). It was still fairly close to the bustling city but far enough away to hide their activities. Giles informed everyone that the Council had a compound there that would have plenty of room. And it did. It was a sprawling house with 3 stories and numerous bedrooms, all set up with bunk beds and a fully stocked kitchen. Giles had been busy making sure that everyone would be comfortable.

Everyone spent the first days getting settled and straightened out after all that had happened. The Scoobies had rooms of their own. All on the first floor. Buffy was more than a little apprehensive about living back in a house with so many people. She loved everyone, especially Dawn and the Scoobies, but to Buffy so much had changed. She had changed and she needed time and space to figure herself out. Giles picked up on that early on and had already arranged for the small cottage on the property to be set up for Buffy. It was a small one bedroom house tucked into the forest surrounding the main house. To Buffy it was perfect. So she allowed herself to finally breath.

Over the next few weeks, everyone found a rhythm and balance together. Giles worked on accessing the records and bank accounts of the Council after it had been destroyed by the First and her minions. Willow worked with a local coven to master her powers as well as getting their help locating other newly awakened slayers around the world. Buffy was no longer the only slayer and the Newbies needed training. Giles, Xander, Dawn and Willow would travel separately and together to gather those who needed the training the most. Buffy spent her days in the gym, or rather the former barn, training and working with the Newbies. Some nights she would take a few of them into London to patrol and other nights she would go alone. But every night ended the same for her. She would go home to her tiny little cottage, light a few candles in her sitting room, and sit down to stare at the amulet and think about Spike.

She knew Spike would be angry with her for spending so much time wallowing in old memories, but that amulet and those old memories were all she had left of him. Buffy missed Spike dearly and never wanted his memory to fade at all. For her, this was a way for her to keep his memory alive. When she was exhausted, she would return the amulet to its place around her neck, where it was always close to her heart, and go to bed. It was always the same routine until one night where everything changed.

Buffy returned from patrol later than normal. She had went alone and ran into more vamps than she normally did. It wasn't like she couldn't handle them, it was that they wouldn't stop coming. Every time she thought that was it, more would pop up. She finally got rid of them and got back around 2 am, only to find out several of the Newbies had decided that they could go it alone. Buffy had just come in her house and laid the amulet down on the table when Willow came barreling in to tell her what had happened. In the rush to leave to after the reckless slayers, Buffy left the amulet behind. She also didn't see the slowly increasing light coming from the amulet either. With all the chaos at the main house when the now injured slayers had returned moments after Buffy and Willow reached the main house, no one at all noticed the blinding flash of light or the sound of a body hitting the floor in the small cottage either.

Dawn had long since come and gone by the time Buffy returned to her secluded little cottage. She was beyond exhausted after all the hours she had spent bandaging and lecturing the newbies. She knew what it was like to deal with the new powers of being chosen but what they did was foolish and stupid. She truly hoped that they had learned their lesson. She stumbled into her tiny house, not even bothering with the lights and went straight to her bedroom. She had kicked of her shoes and was starting to pull her shirt off when she realized she wasn't wearing the amulet. In her panic at wondering where she had left it and the exhaustion from the long night, she also realized that she had missed the distinct tinglies telling her a vamp was nearby.

Just as her fingers wrapped around Mr. Pointy #2 that was always at her back, she heard sounds coming from her closet. She turned towards the door and started walking towards it. Wow, she thought, the vamps are stupider than ever. Just as she reached the closet she called out in best slayer voice...

"Hey moron, are you that desperate and suicidal? You just crashed slayer central doofus!"

She could her sounds from the closet that alternated between growls and whimpers. Never lowering her weapon, she reached into the closet with her free hand and switched on the light. The vampire was huddled in the back of the closet, both arms over its head and face, shielding it from the light, acting confused. Buffy was about to stake him simply for invading her space but movement from the vamp made her stop. As he lowered his arms slowly, short and curly honey blond hair was uncovered that made her breath hitch. But what stole it completely away was when he completely lowered his arms and her eyes locked with the bluest eyes that she would know to her very soul. As the stake slipped from her hand to bounce off the floor, Buffy sank to her knees with one word coming out of her mouth like a whispered prayer…"Spike!" door and started walking towards it. Wow, she thought, the vamps are stupider than ever. Just as she reached the closet she called out in best slayer voice...

"Hey moron, are you that desperate and suicidal? You just crashed slayer central doofus!"

She could her sounds from the closet that alternated between growls and whimpers. Never lowering her weapon, she reached into the closet with her free hand and switched on the light. The vampire was huddled in the back of the closet, both arms over its head and face, shielding it from the light, acting confused. Buffy was about to stake him simply for invading her space but movement from the vamp made her stop. As he lowered his arms slowly, short and curly honey blond hair was uncovered that made her breath hitch. But what stole it completely away was when he completely lowered his arms and her eyes locked with the bluest eyes that she would know to her very soul. As the stake slipped from her hand to bounce off the floor, Buffy sank to her knees with one word coming out of her mouth like a whispered prayer…"Spike!"

Chapter 4

The whole world had collapsed down to this one moment in the space of a breath. Buffy couldn't get her head around what she was seeing. She was afraid to move, to blink, to breathe, afraid that any action would make him disappear. She knew that she wouldn't survive this time if he did. She wouldn't want to. It felt like hours passed but it was an only a few minutes with Buffy sitting in the doorway and Spike huddled, naked and shivering in the back of her closet.

Buffy knew she needed to move, to do something but she wasn't sure where or what to do. She decided to see if she could get Spike to respond to her. So far all he had done was shiver and jerk his eyes, darting them around wildly. It reminded her of Angel when he returned from hell. She knew Spike would hate the comparison but the similarities where hard to ignore. She knew if this was true, if Spike had been ripped out of wherever he had been then he had no idea about what anything or who anyone was. The part that twisted the knife in her heart was that she had killed him just as she had killed Angel. In place of the sword was the amulet and it had been just as effective. A shudder ran through her along with the knowledge that twice she had killed men that she had loved. But she would deal with that later. She had to take care of Spike first.

Buffy eased herself to where she was sitting on her knees and watched Spike closely. She suddenly realized he was completely naked and curled up tightly on his haunches. His hands were in front of his eyes, almost in prayer, and he was mumbling something over and over. Buffy couldn't make it out even with her sensitive hearing. She knew he wasn't aware of his surroundings just yet and didn't want to scare him anymore than he already was. So with as much ease as she had, she slowly moved closer. As she moved closer, she slowly raised her hand to touch him, almost like she wanted to prove that he was really there. Once she laid her warm hand on his shoulder, he jumped and started muttering louder with his eyes squeezed shut. This time Buffy could hear what he was saying and it broke her heart.

"I believe you, please forgive me, I believe you, please forgive…" Spike repeated over and over like a mantra, rocking back and forth on his haunches.

"Oh Spike." Buffy gasped, knowing with sudden clarity what he was talking about. It was from when she had told him she loved him in the hellmouth and he had said she didn't. Tears welled in her eyes as Buffy stared at her vampire with all the love that she had in her heart.

Almost immediately, Spike stopped moving and speaking. The sound of Buffy's voice had snapped him back to her. Buffy was nervous about what would happen next but she knew she had to let him know she was there. As she returned her hand to the space between his shoulder blades, Buffy hoped he wouldn't disappear into his own nightmares again. At her touch, Spike raised his head slowly and sniffed the air. Buffy held her breath, not sure what was happening. After only a few moments, Spike raised his head further and turned towards Buffy, locking eyes with her. She felt like she was drowning in those blue depths, their brightness only slightly dulled by what he had endured. Buffy felt like he was staring into her soul, and she could see when it all came together.

"Buffy?" Spike asked in a strained whisper.

"Oh Spike, yes, yes it's me. It's Buffy." She rushed out, tears falling freely now.

She saw the recognition cross his face just seconds before he collapsed against her. He clung to her fiercely. Buffy hesitated only briefly, frozen in shock, before she wrapped her arms around him tightly, keeping him snug against her chest. As she rested her cheek on top of his head, she could feel his tears soaking into her shirt. Buffy started rocking Spike back and forth, her own mantra coming out between choked sobs, "Oh God, you're here, you're really here."

"Buffy, my heart, my love" Spike moaned in response.

"Spike, my heart, my love" Buffy whispered in response to him.

After what seemed like hours, Buffy still didn't want to let him go. But she knew that she needed to get him cleaned up and knew that he probably needed to feed. So she made the decision to try to move Spike.

"Spike, we need to get you cleaned up and you need to feed." Buffy said.

"Yea, luv..." Spike whispered hoarsely.

"Can you stand?"

"I think so..."

Buffy helped Spike raise up off of her and levered herself up. She already knew that he was weak, so she helped him stand. Almost immediately his legs gave out. Buffy wrapped her arms around him quickly, supporting most of his weight.

"Sorry luv..." Spike started to say weakly.

"Shah, I've got you." Buffy said smiling through her tears.

"Yea luv you do."

Buffy headed towards her queen size bed that took up most of her room, knowing Spike would be too weak to stand in the shower just yet. She pretty much carried him the short distance from the closet to the bed, gently sitting him down on the edge. Then decided it was best for him to lay down and rest.

"We can wait to clean you up. Are you hurt anywhere?" Buffy asked.

"I don't think so, just weak is all." Spike answered.

Spike needed blood to recover and wouldn't without it. Buffy didn't have any blood stored in the house. That meant that there was only one quick and easy source for the real medicine for Spike. That was slayer's blood. It would be better than anything she could go get him and she didn't want to leave his side for a second, too afraid he would disappear like the wind. She knew that he would fight against feeding from her and most likely couldn't because he was so weak. Buffy didn't give any thought to how wrong she should have felt at wanting to give her blood to Spike. She trusted him and loved him and that made it the right thing to do. With only the thought of making him better in her head, she stopped only long enough to tell Spike she would be right back.

Buffy rushed out of the room and into her kitchen. She knew that they wouldn't have any interruptions thankfully since everyone was very exhausted from the night earlier excitement. So with determination, she pulled a knife from the drawer and a glass from the cabinet. With her slayer reflexes, she slid the knife across her wrist and started to fill the glass. Her slayer healing kicked in and had the cut closing before the glass was even half full. She coaxed enough out to fill it up to two thirds before the wound was sealed completely. As she washed off the knife in the sink, she wondered warily if Spike would accept her choice of giving him her blood. She knew it was the best she could bring him, healing him quickly. But she knew he would most likely fight against it. With her resolve face firmly in place, she headed for the bedroom. As she entered, Spike bolted upright in the bed.

"Buffy, luv, what did you do?" Spike choked out, smelling her Slayer blood, recognizing it instantly.

"Hush Spike. You are weak and need to feed sooner rather than later." Buffy said, already beside the bed and sitting down gently holding the glass.

"No." Spike said, trying to turn away.

"Yes, Spike, It is all I have. Besides it's the best."

"I can't..."

"Yes you can and will. Look, the cut is already healed." Buffy said showing him that only a faint pink line remained from the cut.

Only slight mollified, Spike tried to raise himself but failed. His reaction to her blood had drained him of what energy he had left. Sitting the glass down on her bedside table, Buffy helped Spike raise up and shift, propping him up against the headboard. She reached for the glass. She brought the glass closer to Spike and noticed the look on his face. As the glass was brought near, the smell of her Slayer blood was getting to him. She could tell he was fighting the urge to vamp out, Spike's eyes shifting from their gentle blue to the bright yellow of his demon. It was a struggle for him not to vamp out. Buffy knew he was fighting it for her sake, not wanting to remind her what he was any more than he had to. But she was not at all bothered by it. She knew she loved all of him, the man and the demon. So she wanted him to stop fighting it and her.

"It's ok Spike, let it out, I don't mind it." Buffy said simply. "You need to drink this. Please, for me."

Spike hesitated for only a moment, staring longingly into her eyes. Finally he let his demon come out and with her help holding the glass, Spike drank the entire thing in a few seconds. His arms fell to his sides when it was empty, his eyes rolling back up into his head, as he could feel the blood coursing through him. He breathed deeply with his eyes still closed, already feeling his body healing itself with the powerful Slayer blood. Immediately, Buffy was worried.

"Are you ok, Spike?" Buffy asked placing her hand on his arm and the glass back on the night stand.

"I'll be ok luv." Spike whispered, a shudder shaking his whole body.

"Are you sure? You don't seem very ok."

"It's your blood pet. Slayer blood. It pretty powerful stuff. And it's been a while since I have any of that or any blood for that matter."

"Oh, I hadn't thought of that. Do you remember anything about where you were?"

"It's all a bit fuzzy now."

"It's not important anyways. You are here and that's all that matters. Do you need anything else?"

"I am just knackered pet. These old bones just need sleep now."

"Ok Spike, you should rest." Buffy said, while she began to stand up so should let him sleep. But Spike almost immediately grabbed her hand, his eyes snapping open with a panicked gleam in them.

"Buffy..." Spike said quickly.

"What is it spike?" Buffy responded,

"..Please don't leave me."

Buffy only hesitated briefly before saying, "Never again. I promise."

She was completely shocked by Spike asking her to stay, let alone to beg her not to leave him. Upon hearing her promise he relaxed almost immediately, but his hold hadn't loosened. So Buffy moved further up the bed and laid down beside the man she loved. With him tucked firmly against her chest, his head over her heart, Buffy knew that she was exactly where she wanted to be. Her arm around Spike's shoulders and her other hand in his hair, she was more content than she ever thought was possible. Her hand left his hair only long enough to brush the loose curls away from his forehead while also trying to wipe the worry and confusion away from his handsome face. She watched him as he relaxed more and more, finally allowing the restorative sleep to claim him.

Chapter 5

Time didn't seem to matter anymore to Buffy. She was already doing exactly what was the most important thing in the world right now. She was with Spike. He was here, in her arms and no one was taking him away ever again. He was back, he was asleep but he was back. It didn't much matter to her how or why right now. All she cared about was that he was back. Her thoughts all centered on the sleeping vampire. He was a vision to her. He is beautiful and strong, real and alive, or rather undead again. Buffy kept touching him, couldn't stop touching him, wanting to almost constantly prove that he was really there. She kept thinking that all of it was a dream until he would move or she would touch him. Every time it proved that this was very much real. She finally had the man that she loved back. And she knew that she didn't want to lose him again, ever. And that thought brought the rest of the world back into focus.

Buffy knew that it wouldn't be much longer before someone, like Willow, Dawn, Giles, or Xander, would be coming to the cottage to check on her if she didn't make an appearance soon. She also didn't want to leave Spike before he woke up. She didn't want him to wake up alone. But she also didn't want the others to find out Spike was back by barging in. She wasn't entirely sure how they or Spike would react. She wanted more time to sort things, find out more from him about what had happened, but time was running out. Hours had passed, the day along with it. The sun was setting and the waning light cast shadows in the cottage. Buffy hoped that the nightfall would keep everyone safely tucked away and out of her hair at least until morning.

The setting sun must have kicked Spike's vampire senses into gear, as he began to shift and wake up. He had only slept a few hours with Buffy napping by his side. She knew he needed more rest than he had gotten, but she knew his vampiric abilities were letting him know that the sun had gone down.

"Spike..." Buffy asked quietly, touching his shoulder gently. Upon contact, Spike jumped awake, throwing the blankets, and clambering to the head of the bed like a frightened child. Buffy stain stunned silence for a moment before she forced herself into action.

"Shh, shh, Spike. It's me. It's Buffy. You are safe." Buffy said as she slowly moved towards Soike, her hands out and open. She continued to speak repeating those words until he was calm and she was sitting beside him. His gaze, frantic when he first woke up, had calmed a lot and had slowly lifted to lock together with hers. She could see the recognition and love, and knew he had only be scared. She wanted, needed to know more about what had happened to him. As Spike finally calmed down, Buffy decided it was time to find out more.

"Are you okay?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah, I think so" Spike said slowly.

"You definitely woke up kinda sudden"

"Bleedin out of my head for a minute. Forgot where I was."

"Yeah I remember how that can be."

"You shouldn't know that pet."

"I dealt. But Spike…do you remember what happened, where you were?"

"It's all still a jumble."

"That's ok. I know coming back is overwhelming and we will figure it out."

"We, pet?"

"Yes, we. What is it Spike? Are you worried I won't stick around?"

"Nah, luv, more worried this some dream to finish me off."

"Spike it's not a dream. You are really here. You are really with me in England. Not sure how but you are really here."

"England…?" Spike asked incredulously.

"Yeah, England. Its quite a long story but we ended up here a few weeks after you closed the Hellmouth." Buffy said quietly feeling the familiar pain that came with talking about what happened.

"After I what? Closed the Hellmouth?"

"Yeah Spike. After you…you…" Buffy stuttered as Spike squeezed is eyes shut suddenly and his head dropped into his hands. Buffy worriedly put her arms around him fearing the worst. "Spike.." Buffy began to ask when he raised his head on a shuddering breath and looked into the empty space past her.

"I remember." Spike said simply.

"Oh God.." Buffy sighed worried how much he remembered.

"Bloody hell, I burned up. I put on that soddin amulet the poofter gave you and I could feel the soul burning through me. Turnin all those uber vamps to dust. I remember the cave started collapsing. The potentials escaping. I remember you came over to me, telling that the job was done. That I'd done enough. I knew you grabbed my hand, burnin and all. I know I told you I had to finish it." Spike paused looking at here now.

"Yes, Spike that's right." Buffy said, glancing away, not wanting to see his eyes, not wanting to see the disbelief again.

"Buffy, I remember everything."

"Oh goodness."

"Buffy, I know that you only said that because I was burnin up, as a token."

"Dammit Spike" Buffy cried suddenly angry, jumping to her feet.

'Buffy, wait." Spike said reaching for her.

"No Spike…I want you to listen to me. I meant what I said. It wasn't a token and it wasn't out of mercy. I meant it." Buffy finished, yelling at the end.

"Pet…I didn't….no one ever…" Spike said brokenly, shaking his head. Buffy rushed to his side, grabbing his face forcing him to meet her eyes.

"Spike, look at me and listen…I meant it then and I mean it now…I love you Spike."

"Oh god Buffy."

"It was true for longer than that but I wouldn't say it, wouldn't admit it. I hurt you, but I was hurting myself too. I wanted you but I also fell in love with you along the way."

"Luv, no one has ever loved me, can't love me…I am still a monster."

"No Spike, you aren't. You are more than that. You are the man I love. I love the man and the monster. With a soul or without." Buffy said hoping he could see she was being honest. "Please believe me."

For a few moments Spike just sat there staring at her. Buffy couldn't breathe, she had bared her soul and was terrified he wouldn't believe her yet again. Waiting for him to speak was agonizing. She could feel the tears burning behind her eyes. She knew though in her heart, that if he didn't believe her that she would let him go. But she prayed she wouldn't have to survive that, she wasn't sure she could. After a deep breath, Spike finally spoke and asked her one question.

"Buffy do you remember what I told you the night before the battle?"

"Yes, I could never forget. You brought me back, gave me the strength to start, to fight again."

"It's still true pet."

"What is?"  
>"All of it. You are the one Buffy."<p>

"What are you saying?"

"I believe you."

"Really?"

"Yes you bint. I love you." Spike cried.

"Oh Spike, I love you so much." Buffy cried as she rushed, throwing herself at him.

Their arms clutching each other tightly. Tears flowed freely down the faces of both warriors. Champions finally getting the reward they both deserved – to be with the one that they loved with everything that they had, neither ever wanting or willing to let go.

The End?

I am not sure if I want to write a sequel or keep going on this one. It felt finished when I first wrote but now that I have reread and typed it up (Im a writer who free hands it then types it up) I am not so sure…Let me know what you think! Please!

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